Our voyage finally came to an end, and we went ashore before continuing on to Paris. I soon realized that I had pushed myself far beyond my limits. Before I could travel any farther, I needed time to recover.
My father cared for me tirelessly. He did everything he could to make me well again, but he had no idea what had truly caused my suffering. Because he did not know the real cause, all his efforts were aimed at curing a wound that could not be healed.
He encouraged me to go out, meet people, and enjoy myself. But I could not bear the thought of being around anyone.
It was not that I hated other people. How could I hate them? They were my fellow human beings, and even the ugliest and most unpleasant among them seemed precious to me.
The truth was that I felt unworthy of their company.
I had released a creature into the world who delighted in killing them and hearing their suffering. If people knew what I had done, they would surely hate me and drive me away from humanity forever.
At last, my father accepted my wish to stay away from society. He tried in many ways to pull me out of my despair.
Sometimes he thought I was still ashamed because I had been accused of murder. He tried to convince me that I should not allow pride to trouble me.
“Father,” I said sadly, “you know so little about what is happening inside me. How could someone like me possibly feel proud? Justine was innocent, just as I was, yet she was accused of murder and died for it. And I caused her death.
“William, Justine, and Henry—they all died because of me.”
My father had heard me say such things many times while I was in prison.
Sometimes he seemed to want an explanation. At other times, he believed that these words were simply the product of my illness and fever, and that I had carried the strange ideas with me even after recovering.
I refused to explain.
I never told him about the creature I had created.
I was convinced that he would think I was insane, and that alone would have kept me silent forever. But there was another reason. I could not bring myself to reveal a secret that would fill him with horror and fear.
I desperately wanted someone to understand my suffering, yet I could not tell anyone the truth.
Still, the words sometimes escaped me against my will. I could not explain them, but admitting even part of the truth gave me a strange kind of relief.
My father looked at me with deep confusion.
“My dearest Victor, what has happened to you? My son, please, I beg you never to say such things again.”
“I am not mad!” I cried. “The sun and the heavens themselves have witnessed what I have done. They can testify that I am telling the truth.
“I am responsible for the deaths of those innocent people. They died because of what I set in motion.
“I would have given my own blood a thousand times over if it could have saved them. But I could not sacrifice the whole human race.”
Those final words convinced my father that my mind was still disturbed.
He immediately changed the subject and tried to lead my thoughts elsewhere. He wanted me to forget everything that had happened in Ireland. He never mentioned it again and would not allow me to speak about it.
As the days passed, I became calmer.
The misery remained inside me, but I no longer spoke wildly about my crimes. I knew what I had done, and that knowledge was enough.
With enormous effort, I forced myself to silence the voice of despair that sometimes wanted me to confess everything to the entire world. As a result, I became quieter and more controlled than I had been at any time since my journey toward the Arctic.
A few days before we left Paris for Switzerland, I received a letter from Elizabeth.
“My dear friend,
“I was so happy to receive a letter from my uncle in Paris. You are no longer so terribly far away, and I hope that I will see you within two weeks.
“My poor Victor, how much you must have suffered! I expect that you will look even worse than when you left Geneva.
“I have spent this entire winter in misery, constantly worrying about you. Yet I hope that when I see you, I will find some peace in your face and know that your heart has recovered at least a little of its comfort.
“Still, I am afraid that the feelings which made you so unhappy a year ago may still remain—and perhaps they have grown even stronger with time.
“I would not disturb you while you are carrying so many burdens, but something your uncle said to me before he left makes it necessary for me to speak honestly before we meet.
“You may wonder what I could possibly need to explain.
“If you truly wonder that, then perhaps all my questions have already been answered.
“But you are far away, and perhaps you both fear this conversation and secretly hope for it. Because of that possibility, I can no longer keep silent about something I have wanted to say many times during your absence.
“Victor, you know that our parents have always hoped that we would marry. We were told this when we were children, and we grew up believing that one day it would happen.
“We were happy playmates as children, and as we grew older, I believe we became dear friends.
“But brothers and sisters can love each other deeply without wishing to marry. Perhaps that is what has happened to us.
“Tell me honestly, Victor. I beg you, for the sake of both our happiness: do you love someone else?
“You have travelled far. You spent several years at Ingolstadt. And when I saw you last autumn, so unhappy and desperate to escape everyone, I began to wonder whether you regretted our relationship.
“I wondered whether you felt obligated to marry me simply because our parents had always wanted it, even though it was not what your own heart desired.
“But perhaps I am wrong.
“I love you, Victor. In all my dreams of the future, I have imagined you beside me as my closest friend and companion.
“Yet I want you to be happy as much as I want happiness for myself. If marrying me is not truly your own choice, then our marriage would make me miserable for the rest of my life.
“I fear that, because of everything you have suffered, you may force yourself to marry me simply because you believe it is your duty.
“If you do that, I may become an obstacle standing between you and the happiness you truly want.
“Victor, believe me when I say that I love you too sincerely to be happy if I thought that I was causing you misery.
“Be happy, my dear friend. If you grant me this one request, you can be certain that nothing in the world will destroy my peace of mind.
“Do not let this letter trouble you. Do not answer immediately. You do not even have to answer until you come to Geneva if writing to me would cause you pain.
“My uncle will tell me how you are. And if I see even one smile on your face when we meet—whether because of this letter or anything else—I will have all the happiness I need.
“Elizabeth Lavenza
“Geneva, May 18th, 17—”
Elizabeth’s letter immediately brought back the memory I had tried to forget.
The creature’s threat echoed in my mind:
“I will be with you on your wedding night.”
Those words were my sentence.
I was certain that on that night the creature would do everything in his power to kill me and destroy the little happiness I had left. He had chosen my wedding night as the moment when he would complete his revenge.
Very well.
If he came for me, there would be a final struggle between us. If he won, I would finally be at peace and his power over me would end. If I defeated him, I would be free.
But what kind of freedom would that be?
It would be like the freedom of a man whose family had been murdered before his eyes, whose home had been burned, whose land had been destroyed, and who had been left homeless, penniless, and alone.
Free, perhaps—but with nothing left to live for.
That would be my freedom, except that I still had Elizabeth.
She was the one treasure remaining in my life. Yet even her love could not erase the guilt and remorse that would follow me until death.
My beloved Elizabeth.
I read her letter again and again. For a moment, softer feelings returned to my heart. I allowed myself to imagine love, peace, and happiness.
But that happiness was already doomed.
I had already crossed the point of no return.
Still, I would gladly die if doing so could make Elizabeth happy.
If the creature kept his promise, then my death was unavoidable. But I wondered whether getting married sooner would somehow bring that death closer.
Perhaps I would die a few months earlier.
Yet if the creature suspected that I was delaying the marriage because I feared his threat, he would probably find another and even more terrible way to punish me.
He had promised to come on my wedding night, but that did not mean he would leave me in peace until then.
He had already proved it.
Immediately after making his threat, he had murdered Henry Clerval.
So I made my decision.
If marrying Elizabeth soon would bring happiness to her or to my father, I would not allow the creature’s plans to delay the marriage for even one hour.
With this decision in my heart, I wrote to Elizabeth.
My letter was calm and affectionate.
“I fear, my beloved Elizabeth, that very little happiness remains for us in this world. Yet whatever happiness I may still have is centered in you.
“Do not let your fears trouble you. You alone are the person to whom I have given my heart and my hopes for happiness.
“There is one terrible secret I must tell you, Elizabeth. When you hear it, you will be horrified. Instead of wondering why I have suffered so much, you will wonder how I have managed to survive.
“I will tell you everything the day after we are married.
“My dear cousin, there must be complete trust between us. But until then, I beg you not to ask about it or even mention it.
“I ask this with all my heart, and I know you will respect my wish.”
About a week after Elizabeth’s letter arrived, we returned to Geneva.
She welcomed me with great affection, but tears filled her eyes when she saw how thin and sick I had become.
She had changed too.
She was thinner than before and had lost much of the bright happiness that once made her so charming. Yet there was a new gentleness in her face, a quiet compassion that made her seem especially suited to accompany someone as broken and miserable as I was.
For a while, I enjoyed some peace.
But it did not last.
Whenever I remembered what had happened, my mind seemed to collapse into madness. Sometimes I burned with anger and became almost violent. At other times I sank into deep hopelessness.
I would sit perfectly still, unable to speak or even look at anyone, overwhelmed by the countless tragedies that had fallen upon me.
Only Elizabeth could bring me back from these dark states.
Her gentle voice could calm me when anger consumed me. When I became numb and empty, she could awaken the human feelings inside me again.
She cried with me and for me.
When my reason returned, she would gently remind me that I had to accept what could not be changed.
For an unfortunate person, acceptance can bring peace.
But for someone who feels guilty, there is no real peace.
Remorse poisons even the comfort that sorrow might otherwise provide.
Soon after we arrived, my father spoke about my marriage to Elizabeth.
I said nothing.
“Then is there someone else you love?” he asked.
“No one in this world,” I replied. “I love Elizabeth, and I look forward to marrying her. Set the date. On that day, I will devote myself completely to her happiness, whether I live or die.”
“My dear Victor, do not speak like that,” my father said. “We have suffered terrible losses, but we must hold on to the people who remain.
“We can transfer the love we once gave to those we have lost to those who are still with us.
“Our family may be small now, but our shared love and suffering can make us even closer.
“And when time has softened your grief, new reasons to care and love will come into your life and help fill the places left empty by those we have lost.”
Those were my father’s words.
But all I could think about was the creature’s threat.
After everything he had done, I could almost believe that he was impossible to defeat.
When he had said, “I will be with you on your wedding night,” I believed that my fate had already been decided.
Yet death itself did not frighten me.
If Elizabeth died with me, then there would be nothing left in life that I truly wished to preserve.
So I agreed, calmly and even cheerfully, that if Elizabeth consented, we would marry in ten days.
I believed that I was simply setting the date of my own death.
God help me.
If I had understood the creature’s true plan for even one moment, I would have fled my homeland forever. I would have wandered the earth alone and homeless rather than agree to that marriage.
But the creature had somehow blinded me to his real intentions.
I thought I was preparing myself for death.
Instead, I was unknowingly leading someone far more precious toward it.
As the wedding drew closer, my heart began to sink.
Perhaps it was fear.
Perhaps some instinct inside me sensed what was coming.
But I hid my anxiety behind an appearance of happiness. This made my father smile and brought him great comfort, although it did not completely deceive Elizabeth, whose eyes were always watchful.
She looked forward to our marriage with quiet happiness, but there was also a little fear in her heart.
The tragedies we had already suffered had taught her that happiness could disappear as quickly as a dream, leaving behind nothing but lasting sorrow.
Preparations began.
Friends and relatives came to congratulate us, and everything around us seemed cheerful.
I kept my fears locked inside and pretended to take an enthusiastic interest in my father’s plans, even though I knew they might simply be preparing the stage for my tragedy.
Through my father’s efforts, the Austrian government had returned part of Elizabeth’s inheritance to her.
She now owned a small property on the shores of Lake Como.
We decided that immediately after the wedding, we would travel to Villa Lavenza and spend the first days of our married life beside the beautiful lake.
Meanwhile, I took every precaution I could think of against an attack.
I carried pistols and a dagger with me wherever I went. I remained constantly alert, watching for any trick or surprise the creature might use.
These precautions gave me some comfort.
As the wedding approached, the creature’s threat began to seem almost unreal. I started to think that perhaps it had been nothing more than a terrible delusion.
The happiness I expected from marrying Elizabeth also began to feel more real.
Everyone spoke about the wedding as though nothing in the world could possibly prevent it.
Elizabeth seemed happy, and my calm behavior helped ease her fears.
But on the very day of our wedding, she became strangely melancholy.
She seemed troubled by a feeling that something terrible was about to happen.
Perhaps she was also thinking about the dreadful secret I had promised to reveal the next day.
My father, meanwhile, was filled with happiness. In all the excitement of the wedding preparations, he believed Elizabeth’s sadness was simply the nervousness of a bride.
After the ceremony, a large gathering took place at my father’s house.
But Elizabeth and I had already agreed to begin our journey by boat. We would spend the night at Evian and continue our trip the following day.
The weather was beautiful.
The wind was favorable.
Everyone smiled as we began our journey together.
Those were the last moments of my life in which I truly felt happy.
We moved quickly across the lake.
The sun was warm, but we were protected from its heat by a canopy above us.
The scenery was magnificent.
At times we passed along one side of the lake, where we could see Mont Salève, the beautiful shores near Montalègre, and, farther away, the magnificent Mont Blanc rising above the other snow-covered mountains.
At other times we traveled along the opposite shore, where the dark slopes of the Jura mountains seemed to stand like a barrier between us and the rest of the world.
I took Elizabeth’s hand.
“You look sad, my love. If only you knew what I have already suffered, and what I may still have to endure.
“Then perhaps you would understand why I am trying to enjoy the little peace and freedom from despair that this day has given me.”
“Be happy, my dear Victor,” Elizabeth replied. “I hope there is nothing you need to fear.
“And if you do not see great joy on my face, please believe that my heart is content.
“Still, something inside me tells me not to place too much trust in the happiness waiting for us.
“But I will not listen to that dark voice.
“Look how quickly we are moving. See how the clouds drift around Mont Blanc, sometimes hiding its peak and sometimes revealing it. They make the mountains even more beautiful.
“Look at the fish swimming beneath us. The water is so clear that we can see the stones at the bottom.
“What a beautiful day this is. Everything in nature looks so peaceful and happy.”
Elizabeth was trying to keep both of us from thinking about dark things.
But her own emotions kept changing.
For a few moments, happiness would brighten her eyes.
Then suddenly she would become distracted and lost in thought.
As the sun moved lower in the sky, we passed the River Drance and watched it wind through the valleys and narrow openings between the mountains.
Here the Alps seemed to rise closer to the lake.
We approached the great circle of mountains that formed its eastern boundary.
The church tower at Evian could be seen shining beneath the surrounding woods, while layer after layer of mountains rose above it.
The wind had carried us across the lake with astonishing speed.
But at sunset, it weakened into a gentle breeze.
The soft air barely disturbed the surface of the water. It moved lightly through the trees and carried toward us the wonderful scent of flowers and freshly cut hay.
The sun finally disappeared below the horizon.
We reached the shore and stepped onto land.
The moment my feet touched the ground, all my old fears returned.
I felt the weight of my past closing around me once again.
I did not yet know it, but those fears would soon take hold of me completely and never release me.