A persistent ache nagged at my chest, like a tiny bug slowly gnawing away at my heart.
I felt a desperate urge to see my mother. I knew that only by seeing her could this agonizing restlessness inside me finally settle.
Yet right at this critical moment, the school was getting a new principal.
The plump principal, who had always looked out for me, pulled me aside for a serious talk. She warned me to start making plans for myself as soon as possible.
“As long as I’m in charge here, I can guarantee your food and shelter,” she told me gently. “But I can’t promise the incoming principal will show you the same compassion.”
I pulled out every last bit of money I had saved and carefully counted it.
It added up to just two dollars and seventy cents, plus a few stray copper coins.
This small sum could barely keep me fed for a few short days.
Beyond those few days, I had no idea where I was supposed to go.
I couldn’t afford to sit around feeling helpless. I had to figure out a way forward immediately.
The very first thought that popped into my head was to run to my mother.
But second thoughts rushed in just as quickly. Would she even be able to take me in?
If I showed up unannounced and she had no way to keep me, it would put her in an impossible position. Even if it didn’t spark a fight with the owner of the steamed bun shop, it would still break her heart and cause her deep distress.
I had to be thoughtful of her situation.
She was the mother who gave birth to me and raised me, yet she no longer felt entirely like my mother.
Standing between us was a towering wall built by sheer poverty—a wall that felt impossible to cross.
After weighing it over and over, I ultimately dropped the idea of looking for her.
My troubles were mine alone to bear.
Yet no matter how hard I racked my brain, I couldn’t come up with a single way to keep surviving.
Suddenly, the world felt agonizingly small.
In a vast world like this, there wasn’t even a tiny corner to accommodate me and my small bundle of belongings.
I felt worse off than a stray dog on the street.
A dog could lie down and sleep anywhere it pleased, but not a single inch of these streets and alleys would allow me a place to stay.
It turned out that as a human being, life could sometimes be far less free than that of an animal.
I couldn’t just linger at the school indefinitely.
No one knew whether the new principal would throw me out the moment they took over.
I refused to wait around until I was humiliated and forcefully kicked out.
Outside, spring was in full bloom.
Flowers blossomed brightly on the branches, leaves sprouted fresh greenery, and life pulsed everywhere.
Yet I couldn’t feel a single trace of warmth.
The red flowers were just a blinding splash of red, and the green leaves were just a cold patch of green.
All my eyes could see were disconnected blocks of color.
This vibrant spring meant nothing to me.
For everyone else, spring was warm and full of life, but the spring inside my heart was freezing and dead.
I grit my teeth tightly, refusing to show weakness or cry.
Yet hot tears still overflowed, sliding silently down my face against my will.