I made up my mind to go out and look for work.
I wouldn’t run to my mother, nor did I want to rely on anyone else anymore.
All I wanted was to earn a living with my own two hands and support myself.
I spent two whole days pounding the pavement outside.
When I first walked out the door, my heart was brimming with hope.
In the end, I had to drag myself back—covered in dust, with tears welling in my eyes.
There was not a single job in the entire city willing to take me in.
It was only at that moment that I truly understood my mother and completely forgave her for every choice she had made.
At least she could manage to scrape together a living by washing filthy socks.
As for me, I couldn’t even find work as grueling and dirty as that.
I finally realized that the path she had taken back then was the only way she could keep herself alive.
All the morals, skills, and high principles taught at school suddenly felt completely ridiculous.
Those respectable rules were nothing more than pastimes for people who never had to worry about where their next meal was coming from.
My classmates used to mock me, despising my mother for who she was and looking down on anyone struggling at the bottom.
Now, I finally understood them too.
When you have a comfortable life, it’s easy to stand on a moral high ground and preach about dignity and righteousness.
Having tasted the despair of being backed into a corner, I came to a firm resolution.
As long as it guaranteed me a hot meal, I was willing to take on any job imaginable.
Deep down, I felt a profound respect for my mother.
It wasn’t that the thought of ending it all never crossed my mind—to finally escape all this suffering once and for all.
“I refuse to give up,” I told myself firmly. “I am going to survive, no matter what.”
I was still young, and I was blessed with good looks. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to live a decent life?
The shame and humilation that others looked down upon were never things I had brought upon myself.
It was this brutal, impoverished world that forced ordinary people to shed their pride just to stay alive.